It’s My Surgiversary

One year ago today, at this time, I was under the knife.  Well, not literally because technically it was the laparoscope.  But I was getting “sized.”  I was getting transformed.  Last year at this time, I obtained a little “pouch” as a stomach.

I woke up late.  I was so excited for my surgery the night before that I ended up going to bed at some ridiculous time and during the few hours I was sleeping, my phone slipped underneath me, so when the alarm went off, I didn’t hear it.  My sister had slept over so she could go with me and she came running in my room waving her cell phone:  “IT’S 6:45!!!!”  We had to be at the hospital for 7:00 a.m. and the hospital was a good 40 minutes away.

I cried.  I panicked, thinking, if I miss my appointment, I’m going to have to wait for another opening and I don’t want to, I can’t, I need to have this surgery today, please God, get us there and let them still do it, please.

Guys.  A.  Year.  Ago.  A whole year.  The nurse called while we were driving and I said we were stuck in traffic and he was all understanding and told me to drive safe.

When we arrived, it was the quickest thing ever.  I thought it was so weird that I walked myself into the operating room, that I was voluntarily going in to get my insides reorganized.  And then I woke up and I remember thinking HOLY SHIT I HAVE A NEW STOMACH.

I’m in awe.  I love my body.  I love the little flab I have on my belly.  I love the little bat wings that I inherited.  I love that I am not scared of snow (we got like 10 inches in the last 24 hours) because I was so afraid of walking on it in fear of falling.  I ran through it this morning.  Like a child.  I love that I can walk in my heeled boots ALL DAY and not complain about pain in my knees.  I love that people who haven’t seen me in months still say I’m losing weight and that they can’t recognize me.  I love that when I show family “before” pics, they reply with, “I don’t even remember you like that.”  I love that people say I’m glowing. 

I glow.  I know I glow.  My smile is brighter and wider.  My eyes sparkle.  

I CAN SHOP ONLINE FOR REGULAR SIZED CLOTHES!!!!!

It’s amazing.  Yes, there’ve been struggles, I still struggle.  But as I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned in other posts, I would do this 500 times over to be where I am today.

Ok, lemme share some stats:

  • My sleep apnea is gone (I loved and hated that damn machine)
  • My blood pressure is gone
  • I don’t sweat from getting dressed in the morning
  • There’s a ton of other things that I can’t remember right now but all of it is awesome 

Highest weight:  380 pounds

Surgery weight:  357 pounds

Current weight:  222 pounds

Did you see that?  222 pounds.  Lemme go bold that, hold up…

222 pounds!!!!!

I’m probably still considered overweight but I don’t care.  One step at a time.  I’m happy and healthy and ever so grateful.  And I never thought I’d get to this weight and feel this great.

Before & after…

Peace, love, health.

xo


Blowing Minds…

cpbmne8xeaaryvxMind.  Blown.

I saw an old lover of mine two nights ago.  The last time I saw him was about seven years, which is the time I keep referring to as “my smallest.”  That was also around the time that I fell and tore my ligaments and the weight started piling on thereafter.

Well, let me tell you the levels of blowing my mind was at when he picked me up while hugging me.  He picked me up.  Physically.  I was feet off the ground.  And when he put me down, he said, “Wow.  You’re tiny.”

Tiny?????????  WTF is tiny????????????  Tiny has NEVER been a word to describe me.  Ever.  In life.

I laughed and said, “I’m about the same size you saw me last.”  And he said, “No you’re not.  You’re definitely not.  You are so much smaller.”

Yeah.

So he blew my mind with that comment BUT I blew my mind with all these accomplishments.  I’ve come so far.  All these things happening to my body, all these things I’m feeling, all I’m able to do, it’s all small accomplishments.

And when I read my own posts from the past, I can’t believe how much has happened in such little time.

I still have people do a double-take.

I still stop in the mirror as I’m passing it to admire my collar bone.

I still smile like a Cheshire cat when I wiggle my legs into a size 14.

I’m still amazed at how little I eat, no matter how hungry I get, no matter how much time has passed in between meals, no matter how many snacks I pack or meals I make…I EAT SO LITTLE.

I celebrate my one-year in a month…

I’m currently weighing 224 – which is not “tiny” by any means, I’m probably still considered overweight – and I’d like to get down to 200.  I’ve only lost 2 pounds in the last month but that’s okay.  I’m going to need motivation and ideas to get the pounds moving again, but we can discuss this in another post.

accomplishment

My cousin is having surgery on Monday.  I am so super excited for her.  She’s currently on week three of her Optifast shakes and she’s down 20 pounds.  Her experiences thus far have brought me back to when I first started this journey and I get a little emotional when I remember being at the stage she’s at.

I’ll keep you posted on her journey as well.  I’ve taken the day off to be with her for the day and OMG I can’t believe she’s going to be me in a year from now!

Let me go eat my half a cup of lentils.

Peace, strength, love, light, and as always, skinniness.

xo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 Month Surgiversary

By days of the week, yesterday was my 10-month surgiversary.

Ten.  Months.

Where did the time fly???

Around this time, 10 months ago, I was high on meds, feeling no pain and sipping water.  I was swollen as all hell, not feeling the slightest bit hungry, avoiding all the Jell-O (I hate Jell-O) and juice and coffee they kept offering me – I was so confused!  I always read juice and coffee were no-no’s! – and trying not to be bored.

Jesus.  Christ.

Every day I discover something new about myself.  Like, last night, while laying on my side to fall asleep, my knees were together and the bones actually touched.  There were bones all along under all this fat meat!

And this morning, I just bent over to tie my laces.  Putting on shoes was always such a challenge!  I had to sit on my bed and pull my leg up on the bed so I could maneuver putting on my shoes.

I bought boots this week.  Real boots.  I haven’t had boots in years because my cankles wouldn’t allow it and I refused to wear a size 10.  But I bought boots.  And.  I.  Wore.  Them.  All.  Day.  Long.  With.  No.  Pain.

I bought new heels too.  Size 8.5.  8.5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I dropped a whole shoe size!!

Eating is still a struggle.  I had a So-I’m-Really-Going-To-Eat-Like-This-For-The-Rest-Of-My-Life? moment this week.  I was starving, yet again, because I waited too long to eat, and went into my cupboard and had a couple of handfuls of nuts.  I legit shoved them in my mouth.  Then I went ahead and prepared a small bowl of chili.  Halfway into nuking my meal, I was no longer hungry.  I stood there, staring into my sad bowl of chili and thought, “I’m never going to be fat again.”  What does that mean?

I won’t do buffet.

I won’t do all-you-can-eat sushi.

I won’t be able to sit around with the girls and stuff my face with chips and dip.

I won’t be able to have a Big Mac meal after a night of drinking.

I won’t have a night of drinking.  (Two glasses of wine within a 2-hour span is my limit.  I’ve tested it.)

AND.  I’M.  FINE.  WITH.  THIS.

Lemme give you some stats.  I’m not as good as some of you with keeping track, but I know what’s important to ME:

Highest weight – 380

Surgery weight – 357

Current weight – 226

226.  I haven’t been this weight in 20+ years.

Okay.  I’m done.  Lemme flourish in my newfound love with myself.  🙂

Hope you’re all feeling as happy and confident as I am.

p.s.  People tell me I have a glow about me.  Are you GLOWING?

Glow on.

 

5 Things You Need To Know Today; Friday, August 26th, 2016

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  1. It’s been 36 weeks.  So you know everyone is noticing.
  2. Have I mentioned I can cross my legs?
  3. Have I mentioned the sex???
  4. I have collarbones.  They’re pretty.
  5. My mind is still fat.  It prevents me from doing things because I still think I can’t or that I’ll be too tired or get hurt or out of breath.  It’s sad really.  I’m working on it.  I am.

Highest Weight:  380 pounds

Surgery Weight:  357

Current Weight:  237

Enjoy these last days of summer.  I sure am.  I’m completely booked all weekend and I’m so happy!

Miss you Skinnies.

Stay slimming.

xo

 

Six Month Surgiversary!!!

First things first…..I have bones on my feet.  Visible bones.  Bones that move when I walk. Bones that aren’t covered by soft, gooey fat.

It’s my 6-month SURGIVERSARY this Thursday and yesterday was my follow-up at the hospital with my social worker, nutritionist and nurse.

Here’s my stats.  Ready??

Highest Weight – 370, BMI of 56, size 24 in some clothes.  I stopped buying clothes at size 24.  I wouldn’t dare buy anything bigger.

Surgery Weight – 357.  I lost 13 pounds during the pre-op stage.  It was awesome.

Current Weight – 263.  BMI is down to 41.  41 people, 41!!!!  That’s still high but it’s not 56!!!  That’s a 15 point drop!!!  Currently wearing size 16-18.  I haven’t been this size for as long as I remember.

Total Weight Loss – 107 pounds.  94 pounds since surgery.  46% of my excess weight.

I can’t believe it’s been 6 months.  It feels like yesterday when I was writing about being excited for surgery.  And here I am, 94 pounds lighter.  That’s a whole person.

I still have a ways to go.  My bariatric team doesn’t have any special goals for me.  I’ve already lost 46% of the anticipated 60-80%.  So even if I get to 230 pounds, I’ll be happy.

I have no issues with protein, nor do I have an issue with any of my vitamins.  The only thing I still struggle with is water, and that’s with a giant Starbucks-sized cucumber-infused cup of water here at my desk, along with a red cup of plain water.  I need to make a mental note of how much water I’m drinking throughout the day.  And no, I will not use a water app on my phone; that’s too much to think about.

I think that’s it for now my skinny friends.

Stay slimming.

Love over everything.  🙂

 

Regrets?

images

I went to pick up some meds for my child this weekend at the pharmacy I usually go to. The pharmacist, who I haven’t seen in a few months, was absolutely astonished.  We discussed how, just a few months ago, I was looking forward to surgery and was ecstatic about losing weight and how, there we were, a few months and pounds later, discussing that moment.

She asked me a bunch of questions, as do most people that I reveal my secret to, but there was one question that I made sure to think about before I answered.

She asked me, “Do you have any regrets?”  I told her I would have to think about that, because it has been a roller-coaster ride, to say the least, and I didn’t want to be too abrupt with my answer.

never-regret-anything-1

I looked at her, and after a few seconds, I said, “No.  No way.  No regrets.  Despite the excruciating pain I went through with my liver – which I would say was the worst possible thing I went through thus far, despite the relearning and reconditioning of my mind and food association, despite the constant struggle I still have with food and protein and vitamins and this current struggle with my hair loss, I can’t possibly have any regrets.”

I continued.  “I would go to sleep at night, even with my CPAP machine and not know if I was going to wake up the next day.  This was a fear I never told anyone.  I didn’t have heart problems but I felt like my heart would stop in the middle of the night.  My whole body was heavy.  My organs were heavy.  Everything was heavy.  I was sad and scared and I avoided going out and couldn’t climb stairs and I could feel my blood pressure soaring and it was just awful.  So no.  I would do this ten times over.”

She smiled and said I was brave.  But courage has nothing to do with it.

When your health is at stake and you’re afraid for your own life, it’s not courage that makes you get healthy. It’s a priority.  Your health is a priority.  You should be your number one priority at all times because if you can’t care for yourself, no one will.

And I finally made myself number one.

My only regret, I told her at the end of our conversation, was that I didn’t do this ten years earlier.

🙂

Light, love and HEALTH.

Have a great week my friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 Things You Need To Know Today; Friday, April 29th, 2016

old pic

  1.  I have missed these interwebs!!!  I’m so, so, so sorry!!  Life – and my new pouch – has taken over and I have been so preoccupied with making this new lifestyle work, I haven’t had the energy to keep up with my online life!  But I need to stay on track here because it keeps me on track in real life.
  2. I’ve lost 78 pounds since surgery!  Yay me!!!  I feel awesome.  My knees no longer hurt, I can climb the stairs without dying, I can sleep without my sleep apnea mask and I’m no longer on medication for blood pressure BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!  This is the best news ever.
  3. I can eat almost anything in variation but my pouch is a bitch and she’s moody.  I was loving ground meat, in anything really.  I could saute it with veggies, eat all the chili, I could eat half of a patty with cheese like a carb-less burger but now?  Yuck.  I can’t stand it.  The thought of it still makes me gag.  It just makes my tummy rumble and I don’t like how it feels so I just avoid it.
  4. Planning meals is still a struggle.  Remember how I was freezing everything?  Well, I started to defrost those frozen dishes and guess where they ended up?  The trash.  So now, there’s no use making extra food to freeze for later.  Whatever meals I make at home, I make enough for my family and save some for lunch the following day.  And then I can’t make that meal again for another month because I’m turned off of it.  Oh and the famous, bariatric-friendy ricotta bake mini muffin tin things?  Nope.  No way.
  5. My hair is starting to fall out.  I’m officially 4 months and 3 weeks post-op and it started falling out last week.  So I’m only conditioning it once a week and trying to keep my hands from playing with it.  When I wash it and comb it out, I get about 3 handfuls of hair as opposed to the usual one handful.  I’m not too sad about it because sadness = more stress = more hair loss and I’m just thankful for my weight loss tool.

Tell me what’s going on with you all!!  I’ve missed everyone and need to get updated so fill me in!

Happy weekending.  Weather is still crappy here – ugh, it’s almost May – but better days are ahead.  🙂

Peace and love and skinniness all around!!!

xo

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 Things You Need To Know Today; Friday, January 22nd, 2016

  1.  I hate my new pouch.  It makes me sad at times when I’m hungry and forget to eat slow and then have pain and hate myself and the world and feel regret for doing this in the first place and wonder if this is how this will be for the rest of my life and why would I do this and I don’t want to struggle like this and I want to be normal again and just eat what I want when I want and not knowing what to eat or what to cook because anything and everything I cook is only good at the time and I can’t eat it again and why oh why did I make so much of this and freeze it because God knows when I’ll have it again.
  2. I love my new pouch.  I have no cravings.  I.  HAVE.  NO.  CRAVINGS.  Do you know what this means?  I don’t eat.  I’m barely eating.  Trust me, it’s a good thing.  And don’t worry, I’m taking my vitamins and drinking/eating all my protein.  This new pouch of mine doesn’t like or want or need for nothing.  And I’m okay with that.
  3. First week back at work wasn’t bad at all.  I have this newfound appreciation – for lack of a better word – for my job.  I love the people I work with and I have this motivation around here.  I applied for a new position and if I get it, it means more mula, baby.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.
  4. I might go out tomorrow.  And by “out”, I mean dancing.  Not that I’ll do much dancing to be quite honest, but I might possibly get out for a bit.  This is a big deal because I don’t remember the last time I was out.
  5. My sister is losing weight.  She had some hot, red, jean-type pants that no longer fit so she asked if I wanted them.  I said they wouldn’t possibly fit yet because they’re a size 20.  She forced me to put them on.  I put one leg through and found some resistance but she kept insisting.  So I pulled.  And pulled.  And pulled some more.  And then you know what else happened?  I buttoned.  That’s right.  I buttoned the goddamn size 20 jeans.  Size 20.  I was size 20 5 years ago bredren.  I’m over the moon.  And amazed.  And in love and hate with this new pouch of mine.

 

Peace and love.

xo

p.s.  Those of you getting tons of snow this weekend, stay indoors and stay safe.  🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Back 2 Life?

I’m at work.  I can’t believe I’m back.  Why does time fly the way it does?

On a positive note, I’m getting most of my water in.  I managed to finish 2 regular size (750ml) bottles and that’s a big deal.  And my snacks and meals are scheduled too.  So I’ll definitely lose those 6 pounds I said I would.

Oh.  And people are noticing the weight loss.  I got immediate, “OHMYGAWDYOULOOKGREATWOWWHATAREYOUDOINGHOLYCOWYOUAREGLOWING” from my faves and at the end of the day – like really, did it take you all day to notice, jealous hater person?? – I got, “Have you lost weigh?”  Yes.  Yes, I did.  Thanks for noticing.

youvechanged

I had my first real dumping episode yesterday.  I drank a High Protein Boost drink.  Now, when I was looking for ready-to-drink proteins a few weeks ago, as always, I looked at the nutritional value and there was no sugars listed, so I assumed it was okay.  I didn’t, however, look at the ingredients.  Well, here I am at work, feeling a little blah, so I decided to have my drink.

Immediately after, I felt gross.  When I say gross, I mean just that.  Gross.  Nauseous.  Like I’m going to be sick.  I felt the bile form in my throat and ran to the washroom.  I don’t know if I mentioned this before but prior to surgery, I was a pro-puker.  I would just look at the toilet and whatever was bothering would come right up.  Now, not so much.  I’m actually sad about this because sometimes throwing up is instant relief.  And the bile that formed isn’t really bile.  I’ve heard gastric bypass removes the bile but this could just be a rumour.  Anyhow, I didn’t throw up but for about 15 minutes I was so uncomfortable and tired and my heart was racing and I was shaky and it really was ugly.  I got home about 30 minutes later and went straight to the washroom and when they say it goes “straight through you”, it really did.

I didn’t have anything to eat or drink for about 3 hours after this episode and I had no feeling to either.

Did I tell you I’m amazed?  Every day I’m amazed at this whole process.  Every day is a different experience.  Every day is something new.  But it’s hard.  It’s so hard.  But all the little NSV’s are so worth it.  I can bend over while sitting in my chair.  I can cut my own toenails now.  I can put on socks and tie my own shoelaces.  I’m climbing stairs without holding on to the railing like an old lady.

All of it is amazing.  And even though we go through all this pain and heartache and emotions, it is all worth it.  Trust me.

Peace, love, light, skinniness and wealth.  Lots of wealth.  Find richness in the little things.

xo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 Things You Need To Know Today; Friday, January 15th, 2016.

  1.  I go back to work Monday.  Please, please, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I go back to new management,  on top of it all.
  2. “Making A Murderer” binging has me frustrated.  At least I’m not snacking.  So in this case, frustration wins.
  3. I CAN MOVE BETTER!  I get up from the sofa without having to slide my body all the way to the edge to get some traction to push myself up.  It’s also easier to put on socks.  And my stair climbing is improving.  Fucking yay.
  4. I went out for breakfast for the first time since surgery. I ordered an omelette and had 4 bites and a sliver of toast and I was done.  It wasn’t even that hard to be with people eating unlike me.  I was more engaged in actual conversation and actually people-watching instead of being engaged in my plate of food.  I have enough leftover omelette to have 4 more times.
  5. I go back to work Monday.  Help.